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If Tim & Eric directed a Cremaster film

Much, much better this week. Scarry puppet dream. That was a great bit right there. Reminded me in places of Matthew Barney’s Cremaster films. The arguing puppets, David Liebe Hart, and the pumpkins were all worthwhile bits.

If they had slowed their editing way down, it could have been even more like a Cremaster film, most of which were shot on analog video. Thirty minutes of puppet show, with cutaways to Steve Brule. Make it tell a long story; in fact, make the puppets perform an opera. Steve, meanwhile, arranges vaseline-covered marbles into diagrams on the floor. Then comes ten minutes of scary puppet dream. Maybe have some hermaphrodite puppets with poorly-defined genitalia. Or maybe, instead of that, Dr. Steve Brule is the hermaphrodite and the puppets are defined male and female, perhaps even some of them taking on the shape of differentiated genitalia, and the puppets attack him. In the next segment, 20 minutes, Steve watches the Married News puppets perform a low-key burlesque act and throw violence at each other. Finally, Jan and Wayne crash through the set and spoil the show. Jan accidentally reveals her baldness. Steve screams. And then comes David Liebe Hart. He shows various puppets to Steve and makes them talk. Steve sits and stares and says nothing at all. For another ten minutes. Next, the pumpkins. Another 15 minutes. Steve and the lady carve suggestive shapes into pumpkins, including Matthew Barney’s signature "field emblem." Then in the final act, Steve Brule becomes a puppet. Again, ten minutes. He walks through the storage areas of a puppet theater. Then a puppeteer sews strings onto his body and makes him perform like a marionette. In the final shot, the puppeteer has attached two strings to his testicles and is preparing to pull, thus forcing Dr. Steve Brule to differentiate as male. Now, the pieces don’t have to be quite so long; Matthew Barney was frequently over-indulgent and boring. But here you have the outline for a new Cremaster film, as directed by Tim & Eric and starring John C. Riley. Call it Cremaster 4 1/2.

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